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CrossFit is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. CrossFit requires people to do stupid shit, like lift heavy barbells over their heads, repeatedly, past the point of exhaustion. CrossFitters flop around doing burpees until they vomit, then do Olympic lifts with too much weight for reps, & they go on like this is having a good time. They act like everybody needs to work out until they collapse in a puddle of sweat & blood & puke. Sure, some people think it’s fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. There’s that guy who broke his spine doing CrossFit. Can you imagine being paralyzed because you were dumb enough to lift weights? It’s stupid. CrossFit encourages people to push themselves too hard & this causes injuries. Sometimes the people coaching CrossFit aren’t even qualified — they’re just people who like CrossFit & paid a certification fee. CrossFit also costs way too much. Regular people don’t need to do all that shit to get fit. I hate it & would never do it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to do CrossFit, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about stupid fucking CrossFit. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone doing it should quit before they hurt themselves.

Baseball is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it.  Baseball requires people to do stupid shit — just stand there as someone throws a very hard ball near your head, while you try to hit it with a little wooden stick. Baseball players dive after fly balls, slide into bases, sometimes head-first, ram into each other, get whacked by pitches in the legs, arms, & face, break bones, lose teeth. Sure, some people think it’s fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Baseball players tear their rotator cuffs & their ACLs, they injure their wrists, joints, & tendons permanently. And our culture encourages hundreds of thousands of young children across the country to do this every year. It’s sick. Between 1987 & 1996, 13 kids actually died from injuries incurred playing Little League baseball. Can you imagine dying from Little League? It’s stupid. We encourage kids to push themselves too hard. Sometimes the people coaching baseball aren’t even qualified — they’re just people who like baseball. All the equipment & fees cost way too much. Regular people don’t need to do all that shit to get fit & be healthy & active — kids especially. I hate baseball & would never play it or let my child play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about stupid fucking baseball. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone doing it should quit before they hurt themselves.

Football is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Football requires people to do stupid shit, like bash into each other at full speed, tackling each other to the ground, repeatedly, for hours. Football players dive after each other, pile onto other players, slam into each other, pull each other to their knees, clothesline other players. Sure, some people think it’s fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Football players are famous for getting concussions, & they get torn ACLs, ankle injuries, neck injuries, broken legs, broken fingers, back injuries. And our culture encourages hundreds of thousands of children across the country to do this every year. People watch this for fun. Concussions can cause permanent fucking brain damage. Can you imagine getting permanent brain damage just from playing a little high school football? It’s stupid. We encourage kids to push themselves too hard. Sometimes the people coaching football aren’t even that qualified — they’re just people who like football. All the equipment & fees cost way too much. Regular people don’t need to do all that shit to get fit & be healthy & active — kids especially. I hate football & would never play it or let my child play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about stupid fucking football. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone doing it should quit before they hurt themselves.

Cycling is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Cycling requires people to do stupid shit, like climb aboard a cluster of flimsy metal poles with only two thin, tall wheels, then whiz around really fast on roads where deadly multi-ton blocks of metal are also whizzing around in the same space. Cyclists even wear special shoes that staple their feet into their thin metal deathtrap, so when they hit a pothole in the road or get struck by a car & go flying through the air, they remain connected to the bike, tumbling along the ground in a twisted, bloody conglomeration of metal & bone & shredded skin. Sure, some people think cycling is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Cyclists get whacked by car doors & mirrors all the time, & they get harassed by angry drivers, or just get struck by careless drivers, or just have a regular old accident & get a little “road rash,” which is cutesy slang for getting a layer of skin flayed the fuck off from skidding along the pavement. Cycling means broken clavicles, broken limbs, skull fractures. I’ve been told by cyclists themselves that it’s not a question of if you’ll have a terrible accident on the bike, but when. And our culture encourages cycling as a healthy fitness trend & responsible transportation. It’s extremely easy to suffer a catastrophic, life-changing injury, or just plain old die while cycling. Can you imagine riding a bike & getting slammed by a car & dying right there in the road? It’s stupid. We don’t even have proper bike-operation courses — your parent or uncle or whoever teaches you how to ride a bike as a kid & that’s it for life. Bikes are way too expensive to buy & maintain. Regular people don’t need to ride a bike to get fit & be healthy & active — & it’s irresponsible to give one to a kid. I hate cycling & would never ride one or let my child ride one. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about their stupid fucking bike. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone cycling should quit before they hurt themselves.

Running is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Running requires people to do stupid shit, like spend hours at a time outside in all kinds of weather, purposely forcing themselves to become physically exhausted on their feet. Runners jog along busy roads or on trails in the woods where they stumble & fall, or just tire themselves to the point of injury, often continuing despite years-old nagging repetitive-motion injuries — because by now they’ve got no choice & have to run home. Sure, some people think running is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Runners get hit by careless drivers, they suffer dehydration, can stumble & break their toes or legs or ankles, they pull muscles & injure their tendons, place tremendous amounts of stress on their cardiovascular & respiratory systems, compromise their immune systems, & can suffer heat stroke & heart attacks. Runners talk about losing toenails as if it’s a source of pride, compare strategies for dealing with their chronically-injured feet, think of pain as something to be ignored until you finish. And yet our culture considers running a healthy form of “low-impact” exercise. I personally, with my small amount of experience, have attended not one but two races where runners have fucking died. Can you imagine running a road race & then suddenly collapsing & dying, just because you were running? It’s stupid. Most people never seek the advice of a running coach, & most running coaches aren’t even real professionals anyway. Running road races costs way too much money, & the shoes, gear, & fuel are too expensive. Regular people do not need to run 3 miles, 10 miles, 26 miles, or god forbid 100 miles, ever, to get fit & be healthy & active. I hate running & would never run a marathon or let my child train to be a runner. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about their stupid fucking runs. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone who runs should quit before they hurt themselves.

Basketball is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Basketball requires people to do stupid shit, like jump at other people with your hands & elbows dangerously close to other people, & stand there while other players leap into the air with their flailing limbs right next to your face. Basketball players run in crazy stops & starts, which places tremendous stress on their ankles & knees, & run into other players sometimes multiple times a game. Sure, some people think basketball is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Basketball players tear tendons in their knees, injure their hamstrings, sprain ankles. They break fingers & injure their backs & elbow each other in the face & eyes. And yet basketball is one of the most popular sports in America. We encourage children to play it. In 2013, NCAA basketball player Kevin Ware suffered a gruesome compound fracture of his shin right in the middle of a game. Can you imagine just playing a game of basketball, leaping into the air, & as you land your shinbone cracks in two with a jagged stick of bone popping out of your leg, your future career hanging in the balance just like the rest of your leg, which hangs uselessly as you writhe in pain? It’s so fucking stupid. Most youth basketball coaches aren’t even professionals — they just know a bit about basketball. Playing basketball costs way too much money, with the shoes & the gear & everything. Regular people never need to play basketball to get fit & be healthy & active. I hate basketball & would never play it or let my son or daughter play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about basketball. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone who plays basketball should quit before they hurt themselves.

Soccer is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Soccer requires people to do stupid shit, like running back & forth, kicking at other players’ legs while wearing shoes with sharp spikes, & sometimes slamming a hard canvas ball against your head. Soccer players slash at other players’ feet & trip each other up, usually while exhausted from running miles through the field. Sure, some people think soccer is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Soccer players sprain their ankles, twist their knees, dislocate their shoulders from running into other players at full speed, get stress fractures in their legs, suffer bruises & contusions, break ribs, & sprain their necks. And yet soccer is one of the most common sports we teach to young children & encourage them to play. Kids! Come on! Concussions & neck injuries are frighteningly common among young soccer players from repeatedly hitting headers. Concussions can cause permanent brain damage. Can you imagine playing a sport where you can get brain damage just from playing a game? It’s stupid. Most youth soccer coaches aren’t even professionals — they’re volunteers who know how to play soccer. Playing soccer costs way too much money when you add up all the equipment & fees. Regular people — especially children — don’t need to play a dangerous sport like soccer to get fit & be healthy & active. I hate soccer & would never play it or let my children play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about soccer this, soccer that. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone who plays soccer should quit before they hurt themselves.

Hockey is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Hockey requires people to do stupid shit, like slide around on a sheet of ice with knives strapped to your feet while you slash away at other players with long wooden sticks. Hockey players slide into other players & bash each other into the sides of the rink, trip each other up with the sticks, slap the hard rubber puck at each other, injure each other with the skates. Sure, some crazy people think hockey is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Lower back & hip injuries are extremely common with hockey players from the skating stride, & hockey players can dislocate their shoulders & break their collarbones & lose teeth & chip bones from collisions on the ice or into the boards. And yet hockey is a worldwide pastime, with kids encouraged to play. This is a sport where fighting with each other is incredibly common, & concussions are a matter of course because of the frequency of high-speed collisions. On ice. Can you imagine playing a sport where people are supposed to slam into each other on ice & attack each other with sticks & punches? It’s fucking stupid. Youth hockey coaches often aren’t even professionals. Playing hockey is outrageously expensive because of all the safety equipment players need, & even then all that shit still doesn’t prevent catastrophic injuries from happening. Regular people don’t need to play hockey to get fit & be healthy & active, especially kids. I hate hockey & would never play it or let a kid play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about hockey all the time. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone who plays hockey should quit before they hurt themselves.

Or we could all just do whatever we like. Either way.