dan {at} dan-medeiros {dot} com

Six months update

Posted on November 29, 2014

workout log

Been a while.

I don’t write here often. Trying to change that. The last time I provided an update on what I’m up to gymwise it was May. Remember May? We were so cute back then.

Since then I finished a 28-week training plan. Six months, baby. Four days a week. Epic journey, long strange trip, & so forth. I am as surprised as anyone that I managed to stick to a training program for half a year without shrugging it off or losing interest or suddenly looking over there & seeing a butterfly & going ooo that’s interesting let’s go chase it…

Anyway. I thought I’d start providing some regular, short updates over the coming weeks & purge some thoughts that are taking up too much room in my brain. All backed up in there. Need to shit out some ideas. Plus, a few people have asked.


A bunch of numbers & jargon

The training plan was from Jim Wendler’s “Beyond 5/3/1” programmed for 28 weeks, in 6-week cycles of progressive overload with a deload every 7th week, increasing the base training max by 10 pounds each cycle for squats/deadlifts & 5 pounds for presses/bench. Holy shit. Breathtaking, isn’t it?

It’s not as complicated as that sounds. Easy to follow once you’re ankle-deep in it. By the end I was breaking all my personal records, packing on muscle, & getting genuinely terrified. I’d put 285 pounds on the bar after already having warmed up & done some working sets & have to squat it for reps. That’s nothing for some guys but a lot for me. Instead I’d stare at it, thinking Jesus, I could actually die here if I do something wrong. What if I collapse & it rolls forward & breaks my neck? There’s my little tip for people who say lifting weights is boring: Put more fucking plates on. Put so much weight on the bar that you have to focus your entire body & mind on what you’re doing or an accident might kill you. It becomes not boring.

I kept to the same training plan for 6 straight months because I treated it like a job. You show up for work if you want to get paid. You show up at the gym if you want to get stronger. Muscles don’t just appear after you buy the equipment. The rare occasions I missed a workout (like 4 or 5 times max in 28 weeks), I skipped it & moved on. No starting over. No cramming in workouts last-minute or pushing workouts back a week or shifting anything around to suit my whims. Used to be notorious for that. Now: The plan is the plan. It stands above the petty concerns of my life. It is my responsibility to arrive in the gym ready to do the plan as written, & my job to remain uninjured & not too sore to move. Buttercup.

Since I finished up the 28-week plan, I’ve been doing the same thing again. Of course I fucking am. Because it works. Why would I do a different plan if this still works? Over the past 6 months I PR’d my deadlift, squat, bench, power snatch, & overhead press. I didn’t test anything else. I’d improve more if I got 10 hours of sleep a night, got regular massages, ate fresh fish all the time, had no emotional, professional, & financial stress, could train more often, & if I were 15 years younger having already been training since I was 14, but if wishes were [insert cliche here].


I stopped CrossFit kind of

The biggest thing that’s happened over the last 6 months is that I’m not really doing CrossFit anymore. Neither is Nik. The whys/wherefores are boring: It took a lot of time out of our daily schedule. End of story. I’d come home from work at 1 a.m., get to sleep around 1:30, wake up at 6:30 or 7 so we could get everybody fed, dressed, & on the road by 8:10, spend most of the next hour in rush-hour traffic to Providence, we spent 2 hours doing back-to-back CF classes at 9 & 10, we’d get home around 11:45, eat lunch, try to get the girl to take a nap, fail at getting her to nap, maybe get an hour or two in of playtime with her before I’m packing my dinner at 3:30, & back at work by 4 p.m. Whole goddam day evaporated. Which is why we stocked the garage with equipment in the first place. So we quit, & now lift in our garage only. It sucks to miss our CrossFit friends & not sweat with them & watch their progress. On the other hand, now I have time to shit & shower. Also: Money. Not enough of it. Need more.

These days I exercise less like a CrossFitter, more like a powerlifter. Most of the time I warm up, stretch a little, lift, & get the fuck out. I do WODs only maybe twice a week. I don’t call them WODs — it’s conditioning. Figuring out what to do for conditioning isn’t hard. Kettlebell swings, jump rope, heavy sandbag loads, pull-ups, push-ups, dips, step-ups, sprinting, burpees, farmer’s carries, dragging heavy shit, putting heavy shit overhead repeatedly, lifting heavy shit & putting it down over there. I don’t know. Pick a few of those, make them tough, do them with intensity for 5 to 15 minutes. Job done. I hear little voices going Hey Dan isn’t that basically just what CrossFit is anyway? My answer is a definitive: I guess sort of.

What I did this week


  • Deadlift: 5 x 135, 5 x 155, 5 x 185, 5 x 210, 5 x 242, 5+ x 275 (easy 7), AMRAP @ 210 (very easy 10)
  • Press: 10 x 45, 10 x 55, 5 x 67, 5 x 77, 5+ x 87 (easy 7)
    Boring But Big, 5 x 5 @ 82#

Notes: I’m doing a variation of 5/3/1’s BBB accessory work — instead of 5 x 10 @ 50%, I do 5 x 5 @ 80%. That’s just for upper-body lifts. For lower-body lifts, I finish with AMRAP at my first working set, usually capped at 10. My reasoning is I’d rather do hypertrophy sets to build bigger, stronger shoulders, & my ass is big enough so I’d rather do First Set Last there.


Supersetted, 8 x 3, short rest between sets:

  1. power snatches/clean & jerks @ 90# — alternate lifts every 2 sets
  2. dumbbell rows @ 65#

2 rounds, 30 sec on/15 sec off/90 sec between rounds

  • kettlebell swings @ 60#
  • DB presses @ 30#
  • situps
  • jump rope, singles w/ DUs

Notes: I do this metcon scheme a lot, usually 4 rounds. But I was sleepy & hungry, plus I think I’m fighting off a cold.


  • Squat: 5 x 95, 5 x 135, 5 x 155, 5 x 180, 5 x 210, 5+ x 237 (very easy 7), AMRAP @ 180 (easy 10)
  • Bench: 10 x 45, 10 x 65, 5 x 85, 5 x 107, 5 x 125, 5 x 140 (moderate 8)
    Boring But Big, 5 x 5 @ 132

Notes: I got the purple fuck out of there right after. The garage is freezing.


Further reading

Found this little gem on T-Nation on how to keep up conditioning during shitty weather. Always looking for different conditioning options I can use in the garage, especially during the winter when the inside of my garage is ~5 degrees warmer than it is outside & I can’t take hanging around too long.  Thinking about putting a bike out there on a trainer, to use for warmups & bike sprints.  It’s a good option & it’ll keep me warm, too.

CrossFit is terrible & so is everything else

Posted on August 1, 2014

stop liking

CrossFit is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. CrossFit requires people to do stupid shit, like lift heavy barbells over their heads, repeatedly, past the point of exhaustion. CrossFitters flop around doing burpees until they vomit, then do Olympic lifts with too much weight for reps, & they go on like this is having a good time. They act like everybody needs to work out until they collapse in a puddle of sweat & blood & puke. Sure, some people think it’s fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. There’s that guy who broke his spine doing CrossFit. Can you imagine being paralyzed because you were dumb enough to lift weights? It’s stupid. CrossFit encourages people to push themselves too hard & this causes injuries. Sometimes the people coaching CrossFit aren’t even qualified — they’re just people who like CrossFit & paid a certification fee. CrossFit also costs way too much. Regular people don’t need to do all that shit to get fit. I hate it & would never do it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to do CrossFit, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about stupid fucking CrossFit. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone doing it should quit before they hurt themselves.

Baseball is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it.  Baseball requires people to do stupid shit — just stand there as someone throws a very hard ball near your head, while you try to hit it with a little wooden stick. Baseball players dive after fly balls, slide into bases, sometimes head-first, ram into each other, get whacked by pitches in the legs, arms, & face, break bones, lose teeth. Sure, some people think it’s fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Baseball players tear their rotator cuffs & their ACLs, they injure their wrists, joints, & tendons permanently. And our culture encourages hundreds of thousands of young children across the country to do this every year. It’s sick. Between 1987 & 1996, 13 kids actually died from injuries incurred playing Little League baseball. Can you imagine dying from Little League? It’s stupid. We encourage kids to push themselves too hard. Sometimes the people coaching baseball aren’t even qualified — they’re just people who like baseball. All the equipment & fees cost way too much. Regular people don’t need to do all that shit to get fit & be healthy & active — kids especially. I hate baseball & would never play it or let my child play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about stupid fucking baseball. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone doing it should quit before they hurt themselves.

Football is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Football requires people to do stupid shit, like bash into each other at full speed, tackling each other to the ground, repeatedly, for hours. Football players dive after each other, pile onto other players, slam into each other, pull each other to their knees, clothesline other players. Sure, some people think it’s fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Football players are famous for getting concussions, & they get torn ACLs, ankle injuries, neck injuries, broken legs, broken fingers, back injuries. And our culture encourages hundreds of thousands of children across the country to do this every year. People watch this for fun. Concussions can cause permanent fucking brain damage. Can you imagine getting permanent brain damage just from playing a little high school football? It’s stupid. We encourage kids to push themselves too hard. Sometimes the people coaching football aren’t even that qualified — they’re just people who like football. All the equipment & fees cost way too much. Regular people don’t need to do all that shit to get fit & be healthy & active — kids especially. I hate football & would never play it or let my child play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about stupid fucking football. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone doing it should quit before they hurt themselves.

Cycling is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Cycling requires people to do stupid shit, like climb aboard a cluster of flimsy metal poles with only two thin, tall wheels, then whiz around really fast on roads where deadly multi-ton blocks of metal are also whizzing around in the same space. Cyclists even wear special shoes that staple their feet into their thin metal deathtrap, so when they hit a pothole in the road or get struck by a car & go flying through the air, they remain connected to the bike, tumbling along the ground in a twisted, bloody conglomeration of metal & bone & shredded skin. Sure, some people think cycling is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Cyclists get whacked by car doors & mirrors all the time, & they get harassed by angry drivers, or just get struck by careless drivers, or just have a regular old accident & get a little “road rash,” which is cutesy slang for getting a layer of skin flayed the fuck off from skidding along the pavement. Cycling means broken clavicles, broken limbs, skull fractures. I’ve been told by cyclists themselves that it’s not a question of if you’ll have a terrible accident on the bike, but when. And our culture encourages cycling as a healthy fitness trend & responsible transportation. It’s extremely easy to suffer a catastrophic, life-changing injury, or just plain old die while cycling. Can you imagine riding a bike & getting slammed by a car & dying right there in the road? It’s stupid. We don’t even have proper bike-operation courses — your parent or uncle or whoever teaches you how to ride a bike as a kid & that’s it for life. Bikes are way too expensive to buy & maintain. Regular people don’t need to ride a bike to get fit & be healthy & active — & it’s irresponsible to give one to a kid. I hate cycling & would never ride one or let my child ride one. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about their stupid fucking bike. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone cycling should quit before they hurt themselves.

Running is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Running requires people to do stupid shit, like spend hours at a time outside in all kinds of weather, purposely forcing themselves to become physically exhausted on their feet. Runners jog along busy roads or on trails in the woods where they stumble & fall, or just tire themselves to the point of injury, often continuing despite years-old nagging repetitive-motion injuries — because by now they’ve got no choice & have to run home. Sure, some people think running is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Runners get hit by careless drivers, they suffer dehydration, can stumble & break their toes or legs or ankles, they pull muscles & injure their tendons, place tremendous amounts of stress on their cardiovascular & respiratory systems, compromise their immune systems, & can suffer heat stroke & heart attacks. Runners talk about losing toenails as if it’s a source of pride, compare strategies for dealing with their chronically-injured feet, think of pain as something to be ignored until you finish. And yet our culture considers running a healthy form of “low-impact” exercise. I personally, with my small amount of experience, have attended not one but two races where runners have fucking died. Can you imagine running a road race & then suddenly collapsing & dying, just because you were running? It’s stupid. Most people never seek the advice of a running coach, & most running coaches aren’t even real professionals anyway. Running road races costs way too much money, & the shoes, gear, & fuel are too expensive. Regular people do not need to run 3 miles, 10 miles, 26 miles, or god forbid 100 miles, ever, to get fit & be healthy & active. I hate running & would never run a marathon or let my child train to be a runner. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about their stupid fucking runs. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone who runs should quit before they hurt themselves.

Basketball is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Basketball requires people to do stupid shit, like jump at other people with your hands & elbows dangerously close to other people, & stand there while other players leap into the air with their flailing limbs right next to your face. Basketball players run in crazy stops & starts, which places tremendous stress on their ankles & knees, & run into other players sometimes multiple times a game. Sure, some people think basketball is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Basketball players tear tendons in their knees, injure their hamstrings, sprain ankles. They break fingers & injure their backs & elbow each other in the face & eyes. And yet basketball is one of the most popular sports in America. We encourage children to play it. In 2013, NCAA basketball player Kevin Ware suffered a gruesome compound fracture of his shin right in the middle of a game. Can you imagine just playing a game of basketball, leaping into the air, & as you land your shinbone cracks in two with a jagged stick of bone popping out of your leg, your future career hanging in the balance just like the rest of your leg, which hangs uselessly as you writhe in pain? It’s so fucking stupid. Most youth basketball coaches aren’t even professionals — they just know a bit about basketball. Playing basketball costs way too much money, with the shoes & the gear & everything. Regular people never need to play basketball to get fit & be healthy & active. I hate basketball & would never play it or let my son or daughter play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about basketball. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone who plays basketball should quit before they hurt themselves.

Soccer is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Soccer requires people to do stupid shit, like running back & forth, kicking at other players’ legs while wearing shoes with sharp spikes, & sometimes slamming a hard canvas ball against your head. Soccer players slash at other players’ feet & trip each other up, usually while exhausted from running miles through the field. Sure, some people think soccer is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Soccer players sprain their ankles, twist their knees, dislocate their shoulders from running into other players at full speed, get stress fractures in their legs, suffer bruises & contusions, break ribs, & sprain their necks. And yet soccer is one of the most common sports we teach to young children & encourage them to play. Kids! Come on! Concussions & neck injuries are frighteningly common among young soccer players from repeatedly hitting headers. Concussions can cause permanent brain damage. Can you imagine playing a sport where you can get brain damage just from playing a game? It’s stupid. Most youth soccer coaches aren’t even professionals — they’re volunteers who know how to play soccer. Playing soccer costs way too much money when you add up all the equipment & fees. Regular people — especially children — don’t need to play a dangerous sport like soccer to get fit & be healthy & active. I hate soccer & would never play it or let my children play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about soccer this, soccer that. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone who plays soccer should quit before they hurt themselves.

Hockey is terrible & unsafe & no one needs to do it. Hockey requires people to do stupid shit, like slide around on a sheet of ice with knives strapped to your feet while you slash away at other players with long wooden sticks. Hockey players slide into other players & bash each other into the sides of the rink, trip each other up with the sticks, slap the hard rubber puck at each other, injure each other with the skates. Sure, some crazy people think hockey is fun, but people get hurt all the time doing it — sometimes severely. Lower back & hip injuries are extremely common with hockey players from the skating stride, & hockey players can dislocate their shoulders & break their collarbones & lose teeth & chip bones from collisions on the ice or into the boards. And yet hockey is a worldwide pastime, with kids encouraged to play. This is a sport where fighting with each other is incredibly common, & concussions are a matter of course because of the frequency of high-speed collisions. On ice. Can you imagine playing a sport where people are supposed to slam into each other on ice & attack each other with sticks & punches? It’s fucking stupid. Youth hockey coaches often aren’t even professionals. Playing hockey is outrageously expensive because of all the safety equipment players need, & even then all that shit still doesn’t prevent catastrophic injuries from happening. Regular people don’t need to play hockey to get fit & be healthy & active, especially kids. I hate hockey & would never play it or let a kid play it. I don’t know why anyone would choose to, but all I see on Facebook are posts from people yammering on about hockey all the time. Basically, it’s dumb & annoying & everyone who plays hockey should quit before they hurt themselves.

Or we could all just do whatever we like. Either way.

Pact update: Democracy doesn’t work

Posted on May 23, 2014

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Been a while since I first started using Pact, so I thought I’d provide an update, tell you how it’s going, & give some tips on how to use it.1

To date I’ve made about $68 by going to the gym, keeping a food log, & eating vegetables. Nik has made more than this, because she does a few more pacts than I do. That’s pretty nice. It’s almost paying our phone bill.

Also it drives me fucking insane.

The vegetables thing. The god-damned vegetables thing.

I got that tingly burning sensation in my brain like there’s a major rant coming on, so bear with me.

As I said before, when you use Pact, you vow to go to the gym a certain number of times a week, keep a good log, and/or eat a certain number of vegetables or fruits, with a $5 penalty for every instance you miss. You take a picture of each fruit or vegetable as you’re eating it, & other people vote on whether it’s legit or not. If you complete your pacts, all the money gets pooled from people who didn’t & you get a small cut of it.

Sunday night is the last chance to get em in before you have to fork over 5 bucks per missed pact. Therefore every Sunday night the veggie photo-stream is a goddam shitshow of desperate, grasping fuckwittery. People trying to fob off gummy candy as fruit. Trying to claim their alcoholic beverages as fruits/vegetables.


Nik & I send each other furious texts some Sunday nights, while she’s putting Malley to bed & I’m at work, both of us gobsmacked over the latest bullshit someone’s trying to pass off as healthy nutrition. Like a “coconut,” which was clearly coconut milk ice cream. That is not a fruit or a vegetable, you lying fucking liar. It took me about 15 minutes to chase that asshole down & report him for cheating, & by the time I did, enough dummies out there had already voted it up to approve it. Other people are clearly cheating — they’ll hold the same banana bitten down to three different lengths, uploading it each time as a separate fruit. Or they’ll eat the same apple four times. Or the same salad three times.

Cheaters are bad enough. I see one almost every time I log on. Then there are the people who apparently just hold up random objects & see if they get upvoted. Most of the time they do get upvoted. In fact I have yet to see anything, no matter how ridiculous, not get at least one vote. Because voters are morons. Our crippled sham of a government has already proven this.

Because of this laxity in the approval process, the payouts have been dwindling recently. Where I was clearing over 4 bucks a week, now I’m not even making $2.50. I haven’t yet hit the point where it’s not worth my time, but it’s trending that way.

Pact users are supposed to be incentivized to be strict about standards & to reject items that don’t qualify. Because the stricter you are → the more junk is rejected → the higher the payouts for people who conform to those standards.

Instead, it’s this irritating process:

People post chocolate cake → which other people approve → because people will approve anything → which makes the payouts smaller → which makes using the app increasingly worthless.

I’d love to see Freakonomics’ take on this.

Is it because individuals encourage lax standards as a way to lower the bar for themselves? Like, if I upvote someone’s popsicle, the standards will become such that I can just eat popsicles & it’s fine? Probably.

Is it because people don’t know what to approve & what to reject? Partially. Some foods that people post are what I could generously call “borderline.” People drink those Naked/Odwalla/Bolthouse Farms things constantly. People call V8 a vegetable. Far too many people crack open a carton of OJ & call that a fruit. Or you’ll see a cutting board of chopped mushrooms, which are classified in culinary terms as a vegetable but which are fungi — they’re not even in the plant kingdom. Other people claim tofu is a vegetable. On its blog, Pact tried to clarify a few things by posting this. And while I don’t envy their task of refereeing the Food Wars I have to say the blog post clarifies fuck-all because the blog post essentially says everything is subjective based on how the community decides to vote — a load of steaming horseshit, because some stuff is objectively closer to vegetablehood than other stuff, & to characterize the essential quality of a certain kind of matter as up for debate or a matter of opinion is wrong. Whether or not something is a vegetable is not in the realm of relativism. Grow some fucking balls. Pact just sorta wimped out & said, essentially, “You people figure it out.”  But some people can’t or won’t figure it out — which is why dipshits post handfuls of gummy bears thinking they’re consuming a serving of fruit because there’s a cartoon of a cherry on the wrapper.

What Pact should have done instead is sack up & create a list of stuff that counts & stuff that doesn’t, Scrabble-dictionary-style, so people can have a rulebook to refer to when they need clarification. Referee this shit. Nope. Instead their post says that, according to various people who work in their offices, a boiled white potato doesn’t count as a vegetable, even though it definitely is one, because it’s “starchy.” And corn kernels do count — technically the seeds of a vegetable & not an actual vegetable, & apparently their starchiness doesn’t matter, even though fucking starch is made from corn. And sweet potatoes, while also starchy, are “a healthy root veggie” & so should count. Got all that? Basically it’s whatever the fuck you want.

I’ve realized that a big problem is that some people seem to be conflating “vegetable” & “vegetarian.” Tortilla chips are vegetarian. They contain/are made from vegetables. They are not vegetables. Tofu is vegetarian. It is a vegetable product. It is not a vegetable. Potato chips are often vegetarian. They aren’t vegetables. Squeeze-boxes of apple juice are vegetarian. They are no longer fruit but “fruit product.” Consumer fruit juices, including cartons of OJ, are generally made of fruit concentrate, water, ascorbic acid, which is a form of Vitamin C, & things called “flavor packets” produced by the flavor industry — because the production process robs the original fruit of its true vitamin content & flavor.  There’s a key difference between eating an orange & drinking an orange juice box.  I’m not even going so far as to say one’s good for you & one isn’t, because we can sit here all day hashing out what “good” means. I’m just saying one is actually a fucking fruit & the other is made from fruit.

You know how Velveeta is described as “cheese food”? That’s because it’s not cheese. It merely resembles it & tastes sort of like it. But it isn’t cheese. Same deal here.

When Pact announced on Facebook it was going to try to clarify some veggie pact issues, there was a bunch of back-and-forth in the comments. Mostly people swearing to the god of their choosing that hummus is a vegetable (see above: it’s a vegetarian product made from legumes) or upset that someone rejected their V8 (see above) or claiming some powdered green shit they found at Trader Fucking Joes with a picture of a leaf & some hippy-dippy name & the word “organic” on the pouch is actually a vegetable (again, see above). One precious comment suggested that keeping the veggie pact strictly to actual fruits & vegetables would be too hard for people. Trigonometry is hard. Eating an apple is not hard. If somehow this is an onerous task, then FO & don’t do veggie pacts.

Excuse after excuse. Nik once came up with a simple & brilliant way of figuring out if something is worth approving or not: You have to ask yourself, & go way deep down here & touch a tender part of your psyche, if this is something you should genuinely be eating more of.  A side of roasted kale: should you be eating this more often? Yeah, sure. OK. Check. A bunch of nachos drowning in cheese & a dollop of guacamole: is this something you should eat more often? What about a lemonade from Starbucks? A slice of banana-flavored cheesecake with a few banana slices for garnish? Look in my face & tell me: Are you supposed to be including that in your daily intake of nutrition? The problem of course with this line of questioning is that it requires people to be reasonably aware & to be honest with themselves, & most people are worse at the latter than anything else in their lives — we’re much better at rationalizing bullshit to avoid cognitive dissonance & provide gratification so our brains get a nice little blast of dopamine that makes everything feel fucking A, at least for a while. We always prefer feeling correct to being correct.

Until people are able to be fully truthful with themselves, & until Pact develops some firm standards, here’s a quick guide. I’m not necessarily saying some of these “no” foods are bad — they just don’t count as vegetables or fruits:

Veggie burger patties





Not unless you juice it yourself, so show the juicer in the picture


Only if you show the stuff in the blender. If you post a picture of a cup full of brown/green/pink unidentifiable liquid, I downvote it because I can’t tell what it’s made of & I certainly am not taking your word for it.



Naked/Bolthouse/Odwalla/&c. juices

Ugh. Probably OK although you’re wasting too much money for something you could make yourself for pennies

White potatoes


Potato chips


Some sort of “veggie chips” that allegedly are made from vegetables


French fries

Homemade yes, McD’s no, come on



Corn chips




Gummy fruit snacks

Fuck you

A couple of celery stalks slathered in 2 pounds of Nutella

Yes, but maybe stop to rethink the point of all this

“Vegan Shakeology”

God no

Fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt cups


Squeezable packets of applesauce

Unless you’re 6 or younger, grow the hell up & eat an apple


Yes, although again, technically they’re fungus & not vegetables, but fine

Spaghetti sauce

No, not really, it’s more of a condiment


See previous


See previous


When they’re a side dish, maybe. When they’re inside a burrito filled with cheese & beef, no


You’re lying. No one just bites into a lemon, rind & all, eats it like an apple. You’re a liar.

Something-something, “it says ‘a full serving of fruit’ on the package”

Let me stop you there — the fact it has a package already isn’t a good sign


As an experiment, after I finished my veggie pacts one week, I did this.


It was rejected, 5-6.

Five upvotes.

Wut I can’t even I mean Jesus H. COME ON! This was far too close. Don’t approve this shit!

Listen, my point is, just eat whatever the fuck you want because life’s very short & sucks much of the time, but don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re having a decent godfearing serving of fruit when you’re eating a pint of Cherry Garcia. It’s fine to eat on it’s own, but keep it off Pact. Let’s keep it to actual fruits, actual vegetables, m’kay?


  1. Since I wrote about it, I’ve also found someone on Twitter who feels similarly about Pact. Follow this person here if you’re interested.