w30 003

It’s Day Whatever The Fuck of the Whole30 challenge, 15 or whatever, & I’m pretty fucking miserable.

Like I wrote earlier when I started this thing, there’s not much difference between the Whole30 & my usual diet, except for my coffee. You can’t have dairy or sugar with the Whole30, & I take my coffee with dairy and sugar. So I haven’t been drinking coffee. I’ve been drinking tea, black. Either iced or hot. Most of the time I drink a few sips and it ends up getting ignored or I forget about it.

Not good enough. I’m not caffeinated nearly enough to get through my day the way I prefer & was used to. I don’t like it. This sucks. My mood is near-constant moderate-level irritation punctuated by bursts of irrational rage. With a lot of depression in there. I hate it. I feel like shit. Nobody else likes it either, I’m sure.

I tried hot coffee with coconut milk. Vile. Tried hot coffee black. I didn’t like it. Tried weak iced black coffee. I could drink it, but it’s not exactly the kind of thing I’d drink if I had a choice. Whole30 says I could also try adding almond milk, but only if I make the shit myself. Like I have time to make almond milk. Get bent.

Everything annoys me. Name a thing, it’s pissing me off or its pissed me off already. Birds. Too loud. Sunshine. Weather’s too hot out, feels like it’s trying to set me on fucking fire when I go outside. Sweating through like three shirts a day. Water. Takes forever to boil. Tried to make hardboiled eggs the other day & it literally made me late for work because it took so fucking long.

From the Whole9Life website:

It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Quitting heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. You won’t get any coddling, and you won’t get any sympathy for your ‘struggles’. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE not to complete the program as written.”

My response: Fuck you. And periods go inside quotation marks. That one’s free. Any more copy editing of your website and I’ll start charging you.

I hear this passes (much earlier) for some people, not for me. It’s been almost constant since I started with very small windows of relief that eventually close. Five days in I was climbing the goddam walls at work, biting my nails and slamming phones and pacing in the break room. Day 6 was miraculously better — couldn’t believe how I’d acted. Had no urges for a cup of regular coffee at all. Silly boy! Day 7 was shit again. It’s been like this since it started. Up and down. The other day a friend at work said I looked “dreadful.”

From the Whole9Life website:

“You’ll feel just as good first thing in the morning as you do at the peak of your day.”

That’s actually true — I’m just as touchy in the morning as I am in the afternoon.

Being only partially and inconsistently caffeinated means I’m constantly shambling around in a fog. Other people who have done the Whole30 report a renewed sense of energy and vibrancy. I do not have that. My memory is Swiss cheese. I forget to turn things on or turn them off. About 480% klutzier than usual. I drop everything I touch, which either pisses me off or depresses me depending on where I am in a mood swing, so I either snarl at it and clean up the mess or I want to lie down on the floor next to it.


Nik & I tried kombucha. I asked her what it is. I said, “Fuck’s kombucha?” I read the label and it says it “reawakens” & “rebirths” & a bunch of other hokey new-age hippie shit that’s full of crap. I got curious/desperate. It tasted like fruit juice that’s been tainted with bacteria, because that’s exactly what it is. We both belched a lot. Kind of stunning how much, actually. As fun as that is, I don’t think I’d pay $3.79 to drink it again.

It’s not all horrible I guess

I’m less bloated. Stomach feels flatter. Top 2 abs are starting to show up again. Down 9 pounds. Yeah, I weighed myself, even though that’s not Whole30-approved, big deal. Don’t know with absolute certainty if this weight loss is attributable to the Whole30 method or if it’s due to calorie restriction. No clue how many calories I’m eating but I’m guessing it’s probably less than I should, and hmmmm! isn’t it ever so awfully conveeeeeenient that the Whole30 expressly forbids counting your calories so you can’t be 100% sure if you’re restricting or not. Interesting, he said, stroking his beard. I might also be thinner because I was taking creatine, which tends to cause some bloating & water-weight gain, and stopped for the Whole30.

In the past two weeks I deadlifted 300 pounds for a new PR. Squatted 215 for a new PR, but that was less than my 225 goal. Front-squatted 175 for a new PR. I also attempted 185, fumbled it, dropped the bar onto my arms and am now sporting massive bruises.


I looked up some nice recipes. Got a good one from Nom Nom Paleo for Asian meatballs, which are great & now going to be a staple in my house except for the fact that I can’t find the god damned Whole30-compliant fish sauce anywhere including yes I already tried Whole Foods which you’d think would carry that kind of thing but didn’t have the one without added sugar or MSG, so I just stood there in the Asian food aisle reading labels for other totally uncool fish sauces & becoming aggravated & then very sad, first one then the other, over & over.

I’ve been eating lots of fantastic food. Food isn’t my problem — it’s the coffee. It’s all about the coffee. I like my coffee. I need my coffee.

It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Quitting heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. You won’t get any coddling, and you won’t get any sympathy for your ‘struggles’.


I’d like to pick out other recipes to make. That’d be nice.

I get it

Mostly, halfway through, the thing is I get the goddam point already. I’m dependent on coffee with sugar in it. I know. Listen: I have very little going for me as a person. I have almost no vices & I don’t ask for very much out of life. My car is a piece of shit. I don’t get weekends off or nice vacations to exotic places or lunch breaks. I work in a dying industry while I watch other people thrive in successful and exciting careers. Most of the day I eat with the rigorous, uncompromising standards of a monk. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to take pleasure from two son-of-a-bitching cups of coffee a day the way I prefer them. Maybe three. I don’t think a few lousy teaspoons of sugar a day & a couple of tablespoons of milk are keeping me from reaching my full genetic potential. Yet I’ve denied this to myself because I’m playing a game for a month.

So far, I absolutely plan to go back to drinking my coffee as I usually prepare it. I can’t wait.

Two more weeks.

Other people have had great success. Nik’s loving it. I’m sure it works. I think I’m more of a taper-off person rather than a stop-completely person, because it only makes me want to rebel since now you’ve told me I can’t do something and that just makes me want to do it and rub it in your face. I’ve been thinking lately I want to eat a bagel. I haven’t wanted a bagel in over a year. I only want one now because the game that I myself have chosen to play says I can’t have one and I’m like “Screw off, I’ll do what I want.”

Aug. 7.

Should you try the Whole30? How the fuck should I know? Do what you want. Why are you bothering me?